My whole life I have had a crippling shyness that has led to me holding back when it comes to social interaction. I am not sure what it is, but I cannot for the life of me go up to someone I don't know, or only know a little, and start a conversation. I fear putting my foot in my mouth, embarrassing myself beyond belief, and just generally finding out that for some reason or another the person does not like me. Add to that fact I am a bit of an introvert; I find I gain energy from being alone, sipping some tea and reading a book, rather than feeling like a complete wreck trying to stay in the conversation of a large group, and not look like the snobbish boob in the corner that has better things to do than talk to other people. I feel that most times I come off looking like I want no part of things, that I am better than others, or that I would rather sit out than participate. In actual fact, I sit away from the group because I fail to know how to act or what to say, I try so hard to please for the sake of my husband and all those I love, but it's hard when I feel like a blathering idiot who wants nothing more than to be liked.
The problem with all of this, the conclusion I came to when I was at Beach Babytime, is that my little one is depending on me to form friendships for her right now. How am I supposed to do that when I find it hard making friends myself? There is a reason I have a small circle of friends, it is very hard for me to become close with other people; even then I am always worried that I am not good enough for them or they like my husband and that is why they hang out with me. I hide all my fears by being comical around the people I love, being loud and obnoxious with those I care about. Talk about being a clinical case. But I am worried so much that my baby will not have all the advantages of other children, when her mother cannot muster the courage to simply go up to one of the other mother's in a group and ask if she wants to set up a play date (especially when I have encountered some of these women on several occasions). And it is not that they are not nice, they are super nice, it is that for some reason my brain shuts down, my palms sweat and my feet refuse to move me in the direction I need to go in order to meet new people.
I am not sure how to change this, how to fix myself. I thought I was doing better, working at a job that continuously deals with the public. However, I find that when I am at work I put myself into a sort of job trance or zone that enables me to do things I cannot outside of that environment. It's like I am not me; but, as soon as I leave the office, my shell reforms and builds this barrier I cannot break in terms of being social.
Does anyone have any suggestions on what I might do to break this curse I have been living with for the past, oh I don't know, 28 years?
This blog is about being a stay-at-home mom. Includes photos, meals, crafts, thoughts, and tons of other fun stuff!
Blogs I love:
Living, Loving, and Laughing in the Loo
A Baked Creation
The Party Wagon
Fia Lotta Jansson
Dinner With Julie
How About Orange